


The Wolf, The Doe, The Dog, and The Stag

by ravenmaplelynx



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, Lily is Problematic, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), POV Lily Evans Potter, POV Remus Lupin, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Slow Romance, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 22:01:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29582760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravenmaplelynx/pseuds/ravenmaplelynx
Summary: A series of snapshots in Remus and Lily's POVs, exploring their complex web of friendships, romances, sexual tension, and everything in between. Begins in Hogwarts with Marauders Era fluff, continues into the First Wizarding War, then veers into an AU where one choice changes everything.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 13
Kudos: 18





	1. Deer Crossing

**Author's Note:**

> Hogwarts chapters will be 100% fluff (... in retrospect, more like 90% fluff, with a problematic decision or two--Lily in particular is going to be a bit messier than most fics portray her, so just a heads up about that). Language and content will gradually get darker/more mature as the characters get older, so prepare for angst, hurt, and bad decisions, but also hopefully some comfort. Enjoy!

Lily headed instinctively towards the quiet, windowless corner of the library, then stopped, suddenly feeling the weight of the books in her arms. The end of her friendship with Severus had been an unexpected relief, loosening a knot in her throat she hadn't known was there, but it had also tainted all her favorite spaces. The castle suddenly felt both too large and too small, like an endless cavern with rationed pockets of light.

As she shuffled back through the stacks, she noticed a table hidden in a poorly lit reading nook. She thought it was empty at first, but then spotted a student asleep, his sandy brown hair sprawled across the pages of an open book.

 _I know your theory,_ she'd said. She'd thought confirming it would mean Severus was right about James Potter and his friends. But the more she let herself believe it, the more she felt it proved just how wrong he was about them, about everything.

She let her books drop to the table, and Remus jolted awake. The shadows caught his eyes and his cheeks in a way that made him appear closer to sixty than sixteen.

"Lily. Hi," he managed, breathless.

"Long night?" she asked carefully, sitting across from him.

Remus bobbed his head. "Bit behind on studying for my O.W.L.'s."

"I saw James and Sirius earlier. They looked like they hadn't slept much either…" Her eyes fell on the thin scars running across his sallow skin. "You look the worst though."

Remus made a hollow choking sound that might have been a laugh. "Wow, you really know how to raise a guy's confidence."

"It hasn't just been for fun, has it?"

"W-what?"

"I thought you were all just being reckless and arrogant… and… and I thought Severus's theory was just his usual paranoia…" Remus gulped. She leaned close and put her hand over his, his skin cold and clammy. "I won't tell anyone, Remus. I would never."

Staring at her hand, he stammered, "I—I don't know what you're—"

"I know how to make the salve," she blurted, the words as much a surprise to her as they were to him. "I mean, for er…" She gestured vaguely across her face. "I mean I've never done it, but I could. So. Just let me know."

Remus gaped at her, his bloodshot eyes a shocking pale green.

She pulled her hand away, awkwardly struggled to gather her books, and hurried away.

* * *

Remus clung to the corner as the Gryffindors celebrated their victory against Hufflepuff, still a bit woozy. He watched James bask in the attention, shaking his head as Sirius and Peter added fuel to the fire.

"Can you keep a secret?"

He jumped, wondering how long Lily Evans had been standing next to him. A bit slow to register the question, he recovered quickly with a pointed look. Maybe if he pretended to be unphased by her knowing what he was, his heart would stop trying to free itself from his ribcage.

She laughed an earthy laugh that made her eyes crinkle. "I don't really understand the appeal of Quidditch. Maybe it's because I didn't grow up with it, but the rules just seem a bit… ridiculous? The Seeker is all that really matters; everyone else is just showing off."

"Well… it matters how much a team wins by," he offered.

"They're a bit like circus animals, doing tricks, throwing balls through hoops, feeding their egos…"

He followed her gaze to James, who had just jumped onto a table and proceeded to take off his shirt and tie it around his head. "I don't know if you can blame that entirely on Quidditch."

"Can I blame it mostly on Quidditch?"

Remus made the mistake of meeting her eyes, the same deep green and just as disorienting as a hedge maze. He felt himself flush, likely a splotchy, heinous red against his waxy skin. He looked away quickly. "Hey, er… I never thanked you."

"For what?" she asked innocently, her voice like crisp parchment.

"You know what," he murmured.

"That's just basic human decency."

"Not everyone is as kind as you."

Knowing how Lily felt about him and his friends, he'd been sure she'd want to expose him, or at least confront him. He'd been preparing for that inevitability since first coming to Hogwarts, and the idea of it happening was more wearying than frightening at this point. But he'd never prepared to be met with kindness. Something about it made him feel naked and hollowed out, like a debt of warmth he'd never be able to repay.

"I know," Lily said, after a pause. "That doesn't mean you deserve any less."

He turned to her in surprise and got caught on her eyes again. He looked away again, then had to pry out the words that stuck to the back of his throat, "Can you really make the salve?"

"I think so."

"If you can't, I—most of them are too old anyway…" Now that his friends could keep him occupied during the full moon, he'd been spared the monthly onslaught of wounds. But they'd been getting worse and worse after he grew a head taller in the fall, and he had a few angry scars that refused to close.

"I'll see what I can do," Lily said, then slipped away as Sirius grabbed his arm and pulled him into the crowd.

* * *

Lily sat on a stool in the Room of Requirement, currently mimicking the Potions classroom but with a touch of natural light and a selection of oddly shaped ferns. She wasn't sure what it said about it her that the room thought she'd appreciate them, but she very much did.

She sprinkled in the last of the ingredients—ground wormwood—as Remus shuffled in, looking a bit lost despite being the one to tell her about the room in the first place.

"Perfect timing. I'm just about finished," she said, stirring the bubbling orange liquid, praying it would thicken and turn minty green. She had no reason to think it wouldn't—she'd taken great care to execute the potion perfectly—but she always found it hard to believe they would really work.

"Where did you get the ingredients?" Remus wondered.

"Slughorn."

"He just gave them to you?"

"More or less," she smirked. Technically, he'd given her the ingredients for a standard healing potion, after she insisted she needed more practice on it before her O.W.L.'s. (They both knew this was ridiculous, but it wasn't uncommon for even the best of students to panic that they'd suddenly forget everything they'd ever learned before the exam.) She'd snuck the rest of what she needed into her bag while starting him on a tangent about his encounter with a Veela.

Remus raised a brow but didn't press the issue. "I don't know how to thank you, Lily."

"Let's make sure it works first." The potion now closely resembled honey in both color and consistency.

"Right. You said it has to be used right away?"

"Well, the sooner the better anyway."

"I don't know how you do it. I'm pretty sure I got a Troll on _my_ Potions O.W.L.," Remus said.

"I doubt that," Lily said, then added, with a grin, "Not because you're not awful at Potions—you absolutely are—but I'm quite certain the Troll grade is a myth."

"Oh, thanks, that's reassuring," Remus laughed.

An awkward silence fell as Lily continued to stir the now mucous-like potion. She found herself saying, "So I think I figured out what it is that James and the others do when you transform…" She'd once pointed out to Severus that it made no sense for them to be sneaking out on a full moon if Remus really was a werewolf; even if they managed not to get killed, what point could it possibly serve? But after a year of discouraging his obsession, she'd found herself researching werewolves… and their relationship with regular animals.

"It's where your silly nicknames come from, isn't it?" she asked, looking up just in time to see what little color Remus had drain from his face. "Right. So. They're Animagi. Unregistered Animagi." She paused, waiting for him to deny it. He didn't. "Wow, okay, I was expecting you to tell me that's crazy. Because it is. That's crazy!"

Remus stared helplessly as she processed it. It was less that they _could_ do it—everyone knew how talented they were, they made sure of that—and more that they would. That they would risk everything to ease their friend's pain.

"So Peter—Wormtail… is a rat?"

Remus nodded slowly.

"And… and Sirius—Padfoot—is a dog. _Of course_ he is. Sheepdog?" she ventured, considering his mop of curly black hair.

"Irish wolfhound," Remus corrected reluctantly.

"How fitting. So then James—Prongs—is… er… a goat?" That seemed fitting enough.

Remus sighed. "He's a stag."

Lily nearly spilled the potion—which now looked and smelled like swamp water. She wrinkled her nose. "A stag? Really?"

"You don't see it?"

"I guess I do… Sort of… It's just, my Patronus—and don't you dare tell him this," she added with a sharp glance, "is a doe."

"You can cast a Patronus?" Remus exclaimed.

"Don't act so surprised!" Just because she didn't tout her talents like James and Sirius didn't mean she hadn't privately dabbled in a spell or two that was well beyond her years.

"It's a rather advanced spell."

"Your friends are unregistered Animagi!"

Remus opened his mouth to object, then stopped, defeated.

"So what's yours?" she asked.

"My what?"

"Your Patronus."

"Oh I—I can't cast one." Lily raised a brow. Remus didn't tout his talents either, but aside from his rather cartoonish failure at all things cauldron-related, he often quietly mastered most spells on his first few tries. "Not a full one…" he amended nervously.

"You're a truly dreadful liar. How on earth have you managed to keep such a large secret?" Before he could answer, she teased, "It's something embarrassing, isn't it? A slug? Or a toad? Some sort of fish perhaps?"

Hurt flickered through his face like a current moving through his scars, but he quickly masked it. "You flatter me."

"It can't be worse than the things I've just said," she said gently.

Remus looked down. "It's a wolf."

"That's a good one!" Remus looked back up at her with a pained expression. "A bit on the nose, sure, but it's just a regular wolf, isn't it?"

"Does it matter?"

"Well a regular wolf would symbolize strength, loyalty, passion…" She cut off, realizing her words were hitting a wall while the spoon in her hand struggled to stir the now thick, minty green paste. "Anyway, it's ready."

Lily looked at Remus expectantly. He looked at her expectantly. The air thickened like a paste of its own between them.

"Do you, er… do you think you could…" Remus gestured for her to turn around.

"Oh!" she exclaimed. "Yes. Sorry." She quickly whipped around, her hair freeing itself from behind her ears. "So you'll just—you're okay applying it on yourself?"

"Yeah, I should be…" His voice suddenly sounded lower.

"It's just… I've heard it stings a bit?" The exact phrasing was something along the lines of getting pierced with hundreds of tiny icicles _._ "Possibly a lot?"

"I'll be fine."

The room fell heavy with silence once more, then, a strained cry.

"Are you okay?" Lily fought the urge to turn around.

"Mhmm," Remus squeaked, clearly suppressing another scream.

Before she could make a comment about fragile masculinity, she heard a thud and whipped around to find Remus passed out. She ran to his side as he came to, wasting no time in looking absolutely mortified.

"Here, come sit." She helped him up and guided him towards a chair with some difficulty—when had he gotten so tall?

"What are you doing?" he demanded as she reached for the salve.

"I'll try to be quick," she reassured him, taking in the map of scars across his torso. Most of them were thin, faded lines, but he had several deep, stubborn gashes that flared crimson and oozed with pus. She realized his wounds must have gotten worse as he grew; his friends had come to his aid just in time. Even with the salve, they'd never completely heal.

A glob of the potion on her hand, Lily eyed the gash on his right shoulder. Her eyes flicked to his, seeking permission. He sighed, gripped the chair, and turned away. He gritted his teeth and winced as she applied the salve.

She moved to the angry claw marks running across the left side of his chest. "Ready?" He nodded once, firmly, and she pressed on.

"Any others?"

Remus's eyes fell to a nasty wound just above his hip. He instinctively shrunk under her gaze, curling in on himself. She was about to offer the salve for him to apply on himself, but he repositioned himself, exposing the full extent of the wound to her. She worked as quickly as possible, careful to keep a layer of salve between them, telling herself that Healers did this kind of thing all the time.

"I'll just put some bandages on top then?" she asked once she was done. Remus nodded, his eyes glassy. "Is it still stinging?"

"No, I—I mean. Yes."

"You poor thing," she murmured as she reached for the bandages. Then, seeing his expression as she turned back, "Sorry, you probably hate getting pity."

Remus smiled weakly. "It's better than hate. Or fear."

They locked eyes as she applied the bandages. The amber rings around his pupils burned with unexpected warmth.

Lily withdrew the moment she was done, "So you'll just leave it on overnight, and then you can wash it off in the morning," she said with an air of professionalism.

"Thanks." Remus frantically buttoned his shirt, leaving it crooked.

Lily exhaled as he left, not sure how long she'd been holding her breath.

* * *

Remus spent the majority of the end of the year feast avoiding Lily's gaze. His wounds had already closed and faded to a pale pink, and as much as he wanted to let her know, he didn't want to remind either of them of the fainting, shirtless, scarred disaster she'd witnessed in the Room of Requirement.

But after letting his mind wander and allowing his eyes to drift over to hers, he felt a pang of disappointment-followed by a much sharper pang of guilt-that she was eyeing James, curiously.


	2. Hair of the Dog

Remus shuffled through the swarm of students entering the Great Hall, intensely aware of his height. He slouched, trying his best to blend in.

"Hi Remus!" Apparently he wasn't succeeding. He turned, his eyes immediately going to the flash of red hair in the crowd. Lily beamed at him, completely unphased by her own failure to blend in. "How was your summer?"

"Er… good, thanks, yours?" he managed.

"Good. Mostly. My sister… well…" Her voice trailed off as her green eyes scanned him like a laser. "Something tells me it was better than yours."

He shrugged, then giving into her piercing glance, muttered, "I went through a bit of a growth spurt last year, so, er, there wasn't really space for me to…" He fidgeted. "So then I came back here…"

"All alone?"

He nodded. James and Sirius had both tried to come visit him, but they couldn't exactly explain why that was necessary.

Lily's hand lightly brushed his arm, then darted back to her side. "Well if you need, you know…"

"I couldn't ask you to—"

"You didn't."

Before Remus could object, he felt an arm around his shoulder. The fresh gash there screamed in protest, but he ignored it and offered Sirius a weak smile.

"Wanna sit with us, Evans?" James asked, messing up his hair.

"Sure."

Clearly preparing for a rejection, James seemed to fly through the entire human range of emotion before settling on, "Great… Cool."

Sirius and Remus exchanged a glance, a familiar glint in Sirius's pewter grey eyes. Snorting at James's idiocy, he lovingly yanked them both towards the Gryffindor table.

* * *

"I think I can manage it myself this time," Remus said over the cauldron of mint green salve.

Lily fixed him with her best eyebrow raise. "Is this a proving your masculinity thing? Because honestly Remus—"

"They're really bad, Lily. I don't want you to see them."

"I'm not squeamish," she insisted. If she was going to be a Healer—a career decision solidified after getting an O on her Potions O.W.L.—she'd have to get used to a bit of gore.

"I know, but…" Hunched over, Remus curled his arms around himself, avoiding her gaze.

"It's just me," she said lightly.

Remus sighed and started to unbutton his shirt, revealing a map of angry red lines running across his pale torso, some of them oozing with an unnaturally dark pus. Lily sucked in a breath, fighting to control her expression. Remus bowed his head, letting his hair fall in his face.

Lily reached into the cauldron and gathered a glob of the salve. "Ready?" she whispered.

Still avoiding her gaze, he nodded. She applied the salve with stoic professionalism, pretending his stifled whimpers didn't tear at her heart.

* * *

Autumn rain flicked the windows of the Gryffindor common room as Remus attempted to do his Charms homework. Sirius had just come from outside and plopped down next to him, his hair dripping on the parchment as he eyed Remus's homework.

"You smell like wet dog," Remus groaned, shoving him away.

Sirius shook his wet, black ringlets in Remus's face with a crooked, contagious grin and proceeded to squint at his answers. "Your writing is too small," he complained.

"Not small enough apparently."

He looked away, trying not to smile, then caught Lily's eye across the room. She cocked her head towards his chest, as if to say, _did it work?_ He nodded, instinctively shrinking under her gaze.

"What was that?" Sirius demanded.

"What was what?"

"You and Evans. Are you comparing answers? _Without me_?"

Remus ignored him. He didn't know why he hadn't told his friends what Lily had done for him, or even that she knew his secret. Maybe he was afraid James would see it as a threat—as absurd as that was. Maybe he just wanted to keep those moments for himself. As content as he was fading to the background behind James's talent and Sirius's charm, it felt nice to be seen.

"Do you not have any work to do?" Lily snapped.

He looked up to see her glaring at James, who'd been pacing around the common room, playing with his Snitch. "I'll just do it after the match this weekend," he shrugged.

"But you can't because you'll be—" Lily cut herself off. Remus's eyes widened; the full moon was on Saturday. Was she keeping track?

James looked confused. "Be what?"

"Celebrating, hopefully," she recovered with a weaponized smile that effectively turned James into a puddle.

Remus studied her, why hadn't _she_ told them she knew? Reading the question on his face, Lily shrugged.

"Stop that!" Sirius cried, indicating their exchange.

Remus turned to him, finding his effortlessly handsome face as annoying as his laziness. "If you spent half as much time doing your own work as you did trying to decipher mine, you'd be done by now."

But before he even finished, Sirius went over to Lily and snatched her homework. "You're not even working on the same thing! She's doing Transfiguration!"

Forgetting his own point, Sirius peered at her answers. Lily grabbed the parchment from him. "You don't need help with _Transfiguration,_ Sirius."

Sirius furrowed his brow. "What do you mean by that?"

"I… I just mean… you don't need help with anything. You're perfectly capable—"

Sirius turned to James. "Does she know? Have you told her?"

"What are you on about, Sirius?" James was still focused on the Snitch.

Sirius looked back at Lily, who pretended to be engrossed in her homework. "You know, don't you?" She shot Remus a hopeless glance, turning Sirius's attention to him. " _You_ told her, Moony? … All of it?"

Remus swallowed. "She figured it out."

James dropped the Snitch. "How long have you known?"

"Just a few… months?" Lily squeaked.

"And you knew she knew?" James asked Remus, who felt his head bob up and down stupidly. "Well now I feel like an idiot!"

"Just now?" Sirius teased, prompting James to storm off. "So you haven't been comparing answers then," he said, looking between Remus and Lily as they buried their heads in books.

* * *

Lily found Remus in his usual reading nook, staring at a book, looking a bit more focused on not puking than reading.

"Chocolate?" she offered, holding out a chocolate bar. Remus stared at it, as though he couldn't remember what chocolate was for. "Thought it might help."

After a moment, he shakily reached out and broke off a piece. He forced it down with a twisted expression, but then brightened. "That did help, actually. Thank you."

Lily grinned and placed the bar between them. "Is James still cross that I know?" she blurted.

"He's just mad that he didn't get to be the one to tell you."

She crossed her arms. "It's not his secret to tell."

"Well… part of it is," Remus reminded her.

She chewed her lip. She didn't tell James because she didn't want him to see that she was impressed by what he did for his friend. Plus, he was so smug about his secrets that she was enjoying having one of her own.

"You know he's in love with you, right?" Remus asked. "I know he's _incredibly_ subtle, so I just wanted to make sure."

She laughed. "He's not _in love_ with me." Remus gave her an incredulous look. "He's not! He's in love with himself. He only wants me because I won't give him the time of day."

"Are you sure about that?"

Lily looked down. She had been sure. She had been so sure… She reached over and broke off a piece of the chocolate so she wouldn't have to answer. Remus laughed with that same unexpected warmth that always caught her off guard.

"Would you like to stay?" he asked. "Could use someone to kick me when I fall asleep."

She shook her head, then to clarify it was a "no" to the kicking part only, grabbed a book from his stack and opened it.

* * *

The setting sun left pockets of orange light peaking between the trees of the Forbidden Forest, casting a glow on Remus's friends who stood at its edge.

"All clear?" James asked.

Remus shivered as he consulted the Map. "All clear."

"Are you sure you want to see this, Evans?" Sirius asked Lily, who stood next to Remus, her cheeks and nose flushed from the cold. "You may never look at Prongs the same."

James shot a glare at Sirius, then snuck a worried glance at Lily.

"Have you seen the way she currently looks at you? Can't really get much worse can it?" Remus teased.

Lily ignored them. "No more stalling! I want to see!"

The Marauders nodded at each other methodically, then began to transform. It happened almost instantly, nothing like Remus's excruciatingly gradual transformations. Lily gasped and turned to Remus for confirmation that this was really happening, her face glowing in a way that filled him with light. He'd gotten so used to his friends' transformations—and to associating them solely with the full moon—that he forgot how incredible they were.

Wormtail scurried out of the way as Padfoot chased Prongs—Prongs bounding gracefully through the trees and Padfoot darting around in a blur of speed. Lily burst out laughing, and Remus turned to her, just as amused by her reaction as his friends' antics.

A twig snapped. Remus's stomach dropped, and he fumbled for the Map. Footprints labeled Severus Snape rapidly approached their own. He whistled to get his friends' attention, then frantically motioned for them to hide. Understanding, Prongs lured Padfoot deeper into the forest, and they disappeared into the trees.

Snape marched up to them, his wand quivering at his side. "What's going on here?" he demanded.

"What does it look like?" Lily snapped.

Remus coughed, his mouth instantly going dry. What _did_ it look like? Surely not that _they_ were… Lily elbowed him lightly, and he could practically hear her say, _just play along, Remus._

"You shouldn't be alone with him." Snape fixed his dark, beady eyes on Remus.

"I won't be a monster for another three weeks," Remus retorted in a sudden burst of confidence. "You, on the other hand—"

"So you admit it then? What have I been telling you, Lily? He's a werewolf."

Lily crossed her arms and shifted herself in front of Remus in response—a move he couldn't help but find a bit comical given their height difference.

"That _thing_ you think Potter saved me from was him!" Snape pressed on. "They set it all up. I could've been killed." He eyed Remus again, his lip curling in disgust. "Or worse."

"Yet here you stand," Lily said. "Now please go skulk elsewhere."

Snape stared at her, his right eye twitching with rage. Just as Remus reached for his wand, Snape pointed his at Remus's throat. "Hurt her, Lupin, and I'll kill you." With that, he whipped around and slithered away.

He heard Lily take a deep, shuddery breath. "Are you okay?" he asked, remembering that Lily and Snape had been friends. He didn't know what he'd do if one of his friends ever turned on him like that.

"What exactly happened that night?" Lily asked, her back still turned.

"Oh…" Remus scratched his head, thankful she wasn't looking at him. "Sirius made a joke that Snape should follow me during the full moon. He didn't think he'd actually do it… But it was stupid. _I_ was stupid. And if James hadn't stopped him—"

"He knew exactly what he was getting into," Lily cut him off, an icy edge to her typically earthy voice. "He's suspected you were a werewolf since fourth year."

Remus didn't know what to do with that. As much as he didn't like the idea of Snape having known his secret all this time, there was something even more unsettling about the fact that he hadn't told everyone.

"What did Snivellus want?" Sirius asked, now returned to human form. Remus felt Lily tense at the nickname.

"Just warning Lily of the dangers of an untransformed werewolf," he jumped in, forcing a sly smile.

Sirius grinned. "Oh did you not know? Moony here is highly dangerous. Nearly sets the Great Hall on fire every time he reaches for something with those long, clumsy arms of his."

It was _one_ time, Remus thought, flushing.

James straightened his glasses. "So… what did you think, Evans?"

"It was… mildly impressive…" she replied coyly, tucking her hair behind her ear.

"Mildly impressive!" James's exclaimed, his voice cracking. "Did you hear that? Evans thinks I'm mildly impressive!"

"At least she did until you said that," Sirius snorted. Everyone, including James, laughed, creating an echo chamber of warmth that Remus realized he never wanted to leave.

* * *

Lily entered the Three Broomsticks with a group of girls, deeply inhaling the aroma of cardamom and nutmeg as her friends gushed at the Christmas decorations.

"Evans! Come sit with us!" James called, waving shamelessly from a large table in the back.

She gestured apologetically to her friends, only to find them following Marlene to form a giggling crowd around Sirius. Lily sighed and took a defeated seat next to James.

"For once I'm grateful for Padfoot's insufferable charm," James murmured. "It's the hair, isn't it?"

She watched her friends swoon as Sirius outlined all the tattoos he wanted to get once he came of age. "The hair, the face, the whole bad boy persona, his general ambivalence…"

James's face fell, and for a moment he was just another sixteen-year-old boy, but he quickly recovered his mask of the overconfident Quidditch star. He stood up. "Right. Well. I'm going to get another butterbeer. Want one?"

"Sure, thanks," she said, her voice higher than usual.

Remus leaned across the table with a controlled grin. "You're cruel."

"I didn't say _I_ was charmed by him." Of course she thought Sirius was objectively handsome, but that didn't make up for, well, everything else about him.

"Are you?" Remus asked carefully.

"I get on James for _his_ arrogance. What do you think?" Remus started to laugh, but it fizzled out as his eyes fell on Sirius. Lily scoffed. "Don't tell me you're jealous of him too."

"I'm not—you don't understand," Remus stammered. "Every bloke you've ever met has fallen all over you."

"You haven't," she said, not sure why the words seemed to catch in her throat. She was relieved he hadn't. The last thing she needed was another complicated friendship.

Remus opened his mouth to speak but couldn't seem to find the words.

"He's not even looking at them!" James exclaimed, setting down two butterbeers and gesturing to Sirius's crowd of girls—which had now doubled.

Lily shook her head, only to realize he wasn't looking at any of them. Not even Marlene, the sharp-featured blonde who never failed to turn heads. Instead, she traced his stormy gaze to the completely oblivious Remus.


	3. Werewolf in the Closet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: minor internalized homophobia

Just after Christmas, Remus and Lily shared a chocolate bar in a hidden corner of the library as she filled him in on what he'd missed in the first week of classes. Her neat, detailed notes were a refreshing change from James's unintelligible scribbles and Sirius's disorganized musings.

"So…" Lily started, plucking the feathers off her quill. "You and Sirius… are you… erm…" He blinked, genuinely confused. "… More than friends?"

" _What?"_ Remus's voice came out pinched. He cleared his throat. "Why would you ask that?"

"I don't know…" She looked down. "Just the way you look at him… sometimes…"

He wasn't aware that he looked at Sirius with anything other than annoyance. "I—I don't—I'm not—"

"And the way he looks at you…"

"W-what?" he stammered, caught off guard. Sirius didn't look at him unless it was for an answer or to illicit a laugh or to share exasperation at a boring lecture or to signal that he was about to cause trouble…

"It's just—he has swarms of girls around him all the time, but he's only ever looking at you."

He shook his head, hit with a sudden wave of vertigo. "We… we both like girls…" Sirius had been talking about asking out Marlene McKinnon for weeks now. And just because girls didn't take much of an interest in Remus didn't mean he didn't take an interest in them.

"Right, but I think you could also—"

"Well we don't," he snapped.

Lily bit her lip. "Okay. Sorry. I—I didn't mean it as—"

He sighed and squeezed his eyes shut. "No, I'm sorry. I'm still a bit…"

"It's okay. Me too. I think we might be synced…"

Remus cocked his head, even more confused. She smirked until the realization washed over him. "First you accuse me of being gay—"

"It wasn't an accusation—"

"And now you're comparing me to a girl?" Remus clutched his head in his hands, wondering why he always looked forward to seeing someone who had such a talent for making him want to shed his skin.

Lily's face twitched as she battled the urge to laugh and offered the rest of the chocolate bar as a peace offering. He accepted with a half-hearted scowl.

* * *

Lily returned from Slughorn's Valentine's Day party—nothing screamed romance like a room full of Pureblood royalty and shameless social climbers—cautiously scanning the Gryffindor common room.

"You're safe for at least another hour, Evans," Sirius called. He was sitting on the floor with Remus and Peter, sifting through his dragon's hoard of valentines.

"What?" she asked innocently.

"He has practice for another hour," Peter chimed in.

She started to protest but came up short and sat down next to them instead. Maybe it was immature to avoid James, but she wasn't in the mood to be serenaded or showered with gifts or whatever ridiculous scheme he had in mind. "Is this all yours?" she asked Sirius, gesturing to the pile of sweets and gifts.

"Please. Take whatever you want," he said, his mouth full of cauldron cake.

Lily plucked a sugar quill off of a lacy pink heart, feeling Sirius's eyes on her. "What?"

"If you don't want to be his girlfriend, please just tell him so we can stop hearing about it." His friends turned to him in surprise. "What? I'm rooting for him, but it's getting a bit pathetic," Sirius bit the head off of a chocolate frog. "Course it'd be even more pathetic if you broke his heart, and he just moped around for the rest of the year…"

She groaned. Something about a mopey, angsty Potter was decidedly more irritating than the over-confident default. Just the thought of it left a knot in her throat.

"What do _you_ want, Lily?" Remus asked gently.

"I don't know!" she cried, surprising even herself. "I wish he'd just give me some space. Let me come to him. When I'm ready."

"'When,' eh?" Sirius grinned stupidly. "So would you say have a rough timeline or…?"

She ignored him, noticing one of the Gryffindor Keepers in the corner talking to the Gryffindor Seeker… Her eyes flicked back to Sirius as he instinctively messed up his hair, caught off guard by its length and texture.

She gritted her teeth. "Actually, the truth is, I fancy _you_ , Sirius."

"W-what?"

"In fact, I've been trying to work up the nerve this whole time to kiss you." She leaned in, ignoring Remus's horrified expression in her peripherals.

'Sirius' gulped, his forehead creasing as he weighed his options. "Er… I… er… okay!"

Lily scoffed and pulled back as he leaned in. She turned to Remus with her iciest, _are you in on this,_ glare. He bowed his head. "Unbelievable."

"No! Evans, wait!" James's voice called after her as she stormed out of the room.

* * *

The Marauders spent most of Transfiguration casting guilty glances in Lily's direction, with the exception of Sirius, who claimed no responsibility since he wasn't _actually_ there. In response, she shielded herself with a curtain of red hair.

She was the first to leave the classroom, and Sirius had to restrain James from scrambling after her. Remus was elected to go instead, awkwardly squeezing through the clumps of students in the corridor.

"Lily—"

"I don't want to hear it," she snapped, not turning around.

"Lily, please, we're so sorry. I'm so sorry."

She whipped around. "How could you, Remus?"

His mouth went dry. "I—I don't have a good excuse, I—"

"I expect this kind of thing from James and Sirius, but from _you?"_

"I know," he said, his shoulders curling forward. "Sirius was just trying to get some privacy with Marlene, and then James saw an opportunity—he just wanted to know how you really felt." Lily scoffed.

"But it was wrong," he added frantically. "It was so wrong. And I never should've gone along with it." He'd never been good at keeping his friends in check, and James's confidence behind Sirius's crooked grin was an especially dangerous combination he hadn't been prepared for.

"Where did you even get Polyjuice Potion?" she demanded, then shook her head before Remus could explain how James's parents entrusted him with the key to their personal potions cellar. "No, don't tell me, I don't want to know. I just—do you have any idea what a betrayal it was? To openly deceive me like that?"

"I do. Yes. Guess I'm a better liar than you thought, eh?" The moment the words left his mouth, he wished there was a spell that would suck them back up. Or better yet, just pluck him out of the space altogether, preferably replacing him with someone who wasn't a giant, gangly idiot.

Lily's eyes blazed like they were preparing to shoot green sparks. "I also thought you were different, but you're just as bad as them, aren't you?"

He opened his mouth to speak, the words crackling uselessly in his throat.

She hurried away, and he dragged his hand down his scarred face.

* * *

Lily managed to hold onto her grudge for nearly three weeks. As much as she wanted to attribute it to the power of her own stubbornness, her efforts were largely aided by the peculiar absence of James and his friends. They'd always had a talent for conveniently appearing wherever she was and now seemed to be using that talent to make themselves scarce. Was James actually respecting her desire for space? It seemed more likely he was just trying to avoid getting hexed.

But then the full moon rolled around—she'd tried so hard not to keep track of it that the date was now cemented in her brain—and she found herself inventing a reason why she had to go to the library and explore a certain section that just so happened to be near Remus's usual spot.

She wasn't sure if he looked worse than usual or if it simply came as a shock after not actively watching his health deteriorate throughout the month. But it was enough to incite a pang in her chest, and the next thing she knew, she was sitting down across from him and silently opening a book.

It took him a moment to notice her, blinking rapidly as though he wasn't sure if she was real.

"I'm still mad at you," she said.

"Okay."

"You just look so incredibly pathetic right now, and I don't believe in kicking a man when he's down."

Remus's lips parted, but he restrained himself from pointing out the irony. "Okay."

"And I miss you," she added, not looking at him.

"I miss you too." There was a tenderness to his voice that made her skin prickle.

Lily snuck a quick peak at him, catching a glimpse of his signature weary smile before returning to her book.

* * *

The match against Slytherin had been a gruesome, rainy battle, and the Gryffindors celebrated their narrow victory with an appropriately frenzied celebration.

Sirius had dipped his hands in paint and was determined to get it everywhere—and on everyone. He'd started by streaking James's hair with red and slapping a gold handprint across Remus's face… but ended up getting most of it on Marlene.

"He's a monster," Lily murmured, gesturing to a series of gold streaks that glimmered mesmerizingly in contrast with her red hair.

"She said to an actual monster," Remus narrated under his breath.

She hit his arm playfully.

"Still hate Quidditch?" he asked, following her gaze to James, who'd spent most of the party preventing his teammates from completely destroying the common room.

"It's growing on me," she shrugged. He turned to her in surprise, and she quickly changed the subject. "Slughorn was talking about something that might interest you—since you like Potions so much."

He snorted. "Oh I keep meaning to tell you—the Troll grade—not a myth."

"Oh really?"

"Really."

"Prove it."

"I don't just carry around my O.W.L. scores with me, Lily."

"Go get them then."

"I… burned them because they were so terrible," he lied, suppressing a smile. He'd somehow managed an A in Potions with O's and E's in everything else.

Lily folded her arms. "You're such a liar."

He smirked, feeling the dried paint on his face crinkle. "Anyway, you were saying?"

"Right, I was saying, there's some very interesting developments happening in the world of Potions making. They're working on a new cure for spattergroit, a vampire repellant, and… what was it? Oh, yes, a Wolfsbane Potion."

Remus's pulse raced. "Interesting… and…that would do what exactly?"

"Suppress werewolf transformations, I assume," she shrugged, casually surveying the crowd.

"Fascinating," he breathed, unable to hear himself over the blood rushing in his ears.

"Of course it's still in the early stages. Could take years to be perfected." She looked up at him, resting a steadying hand on his arm. "But it's something, isn't it?"

He tried to nod, but felt far away from his body. His body that hadn't been wholly his own for most of his life. His pale, thin, scarred body that was constantly under siege by the monster inside it. What would it mean if he could be whole again? He raised his hand to his face, smiling at the flecks of gold that came away on his fingers.

* * *

On the first warm day of the year, students flocked outside to catch what they could of the elusive Scottish sun. Lily felt a rush of déjà vu to this time last year, when she'd rushed to Severus's defense from one of James's pranks. Had it really only been a year since his vitriolic response had marked the end of their friendship? Or since she'd thought James and his friends were nothing but arrogant bullies?

She found them sitting by the Whomping Willow, a spot most sane students avoided. James offered her a shy wave. She started to wave back, then seeing Sirius hunched over in a black hoodie, decided she had a decent enough excuse to approach them.

"Hi Sirius. Bit warm for that hoodie, isn't it?" His friends burst out laughing as Sirius glowered at her from beneath his hood. She'd heard what happened but had yet to see for herself. "What exactly did you do to Marlene?"

"What did _I_ do to _her_?" he exclaimed.

"It was completely random," Remus said, his usual faint smile replaced with a shit-eating grin. "Had nothing to do with him snogging her sister."

"That's not— _I_ am the victim here!" Sirius cried, yanking off his hood to reveal his completely bald head—a result of the instant scalping hex. The group barreled over in fits of laughter.

"Do you think he'll turn into a hairless dog now?" Lily asked between giggles.

Sirius threw his hood back on, for once resembling his brother and cousins with the signature Black family scowl. "I hate all of you."

Remus choked back a burst of laughter. "It's really not that bad, Mate."

"I think it's pretty cool, actually. Might start a trend," James chimed in. "In fact…" He pulled out his wand and aimed it at his own head.

"You wouldn't," Lily gasped.

"Why not? Might make me more aerodynamic for the Quidditch championship."

Lily and Remus exchanged a glance. Sirius rolled his eyes, calling his friend's bluff.

Without so much as a wince, James cast the instant scalping hex on himself, and his thick, black hair completely disappeared. Lily clapped her hand over her mouth.

Remus gaped. "I can't believe you just did that."

"Idiot," Sirius muttered, the corners of his mouth twitching upward. 

"Well Evans, am I pulling it off?" James asked, striking a ridiculous pose. It didn't suit him in the way it suited Sirius—in the sense that literally everything seemed to suit Sirius. But to Lily, he'd never looked more attractive.

She beamed at him, completely forgetting her usual mask of disgust. "Not even a little bit."

* * *

Already running late for the Defense Against the Dark Arts final, Remus circled back to find Sirius, who was examining his buzzcut-esque hair in the mirror. Based on his frown, he was completely oblivious to the way it sharpened his jawline and gave his grey eyes a disarming metallic quality.

"Hey, it's starting to grow back," Remus said stupidly.

"Not fast enough," Sirius grumbled. "Prongs has a full head of hair already!" James's gesture had helped initially—the pair paraded their bald heads proudly through the corridors, relentlessly trading hair-related puns.

Remus shuffled his feet, forgetting what he came in here for. "Hey, can I ask you a question?"

"As long as it's not about the Charms final; I've already blocked it out."

"No, er…" He shoved his hands in his pockets. "Why did you do it? Ruin things with Marlene like that." Sirius acted like he'd just been following a whim, but Remus knew him better than that. His friend was reckless but not stupid; even he couldn't accidentally screw up that badly.

"Well I didn't exactly think she'd _scalp_ me, Moony," he told Remus's reflection.

"No, but… I thought you liked her."

Sirius looked down. "I did… I just… I don't know."

"Is it—is there—do you like someone else?" The words rose up like bile.

"Maybe. I don't know," Sirius mumbled. He looked up, eyes locking on Remus's like magnets.

After what felt like an entire History of Magic lecture, Remus blinked and looked away. He passed Sirius his leather bookbag and tore out of the room, muttering something about them being late.

* * *

The banners in the Great Hall turned from blue to red as Gryffindor was declared this year's winner of the House Cup. Amidst the cheers, James leaned towards Lily, nervously fixing his already full head of hair-if anything it had grown back even thicker and more unruly than before.

"Hey… er… I realized I never actually apologized for, you know, that stint where I completely violated your trust and everything."

Lily pressed her lips together. "Oh that one?"

He straightened his glasses. "Yeah… er… anyway… I figured you knew how sorry I was and that it'd be better to give you your space and everything, but just in case you didn't know, I am really, truly sorry, Evans. And you don't have to forgive me or anything, but I wanted you to know."

She smiled, sending another wave of color to his cheeks. "Thank you, I appreciate that. To make it up to me… do you think you could—"

"Anything!" he exclaimed, then cleared his throat. "Sorry."

"Do you think you could call me Lily? You know, instead of Evans."

James grinned a stupid, unapologetic, adorable grin.

She shook her head and turned to Remus, who'd been unusually quiet, even for him. "Will you be okay this summer?" she whispered. He'd have to endure three full moons without his friends this time.

"Hm? Oh, yeah, I'll be fine," he said into his uneaten plate of food.

Lily squeezed his hand. "Promise you'll write me?"

He squeezed back lightly. "Promise."


	4. Lone Wolf

Remus couldn't believe this was his last Sorting ceremony. It didn't seem all that long ago that he'd sat on that stool himself, half expecting the hat to declare him un-sortable on account of his monstrousness. Instead, the hat had debated the merits of his placement in not only Gryffindor but Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff as well. He'd ultimately chosen Gryffindor because he knew how happy it would make his father.

He wished he could tell that boy that it would all be okay, that he'd make friends who would not only accept him for what he was but do everything they could to help him. He also wished that a future Remus would tell him that everything would still be okay a year from now, when he'd find himself outside the safety of Hogwarts.

"He's the human embodiment of meatloaf," Lily was telling James, describing her sister's new boyfriend.

The image of the pair leaning towards each other, Head Boy and Girl badges gleaming, made Remus feel a bit like he was living in one of James's daydreams. He scratched at the gash on the side of his neck, the searing pain confirming that this was indeed reality.

"Is there anything left of your house after a whole summer with you and Sirius?" Lily asked. If his friends' outlandish letters were to be believed, the Potter estate was now a burning pile of rubble.

"Well he's not exactly housebroken yet, so we mostly kept him tied up in the backyard," James replied.

Remus snorted, nearly choking on his pumpkin juice.

"What's so funny?" Sirius asked.

"Nothing," he said, shaking his head.

Sirius started to object then noticed Remus's scratching. His fingers brushed Remus's neck as he gently lowered his collar. "Moony…"

"It's fine." He quickly pulled his collar up, then caught Lily's eye. She raised a brow. He nodded somberly, then offered her a small smile.

Her letters—always enclosed with a bar of chocolate—lacked the excitement of the adventures of Padfoot and Prongs but never failed to leave him with a cozy, wrapped-in-a-blanket feeling.

* * *

"James said you agreed to go on a date with him?" Remus asked as Lily stirred the salve.

"I did… yes," she said into the cauldron, blushing. It felt like a betrayal of fifteen-year-old Lily who swore she wouldn't date James Potter even if it was the only way to stop the world from ending, (and though the wizarding world did seem to be descending into chaos, she was pretty sure going on a date with James wasn't the answer to that particular problem.)

She hated the predictability of the match, the Gryffindor Head Boy and Girl power couple with matching Patronuses—not that she'd told him about that part. But she was drawn to him anyway, the boy who'd do anything for his friends, who seemed to believe nothing was impossible, whose hazel eyes burned with an inextinguishable fire.

"What about you?" she asked, looking up at Remus.

"Me? Oh, well, Prongs did ask me first, but I let him down easy."

Lily laughed, "I'm serious! Is there anyone you, you know, _like?_ " A part of her still suspected the answer to that was a certain dark-furred rebel, but she knew better than to go there again.

He tugged on his collar. "Not really? I don't know…"

"Ciara Kinney thinks you're cute," she said. She decided to leave out that she'd learned that during a game of snog-marry-kill with the female Prefects…

"Ciara Kinney?"

"Sixth year, Ravenclaw…"

"No, I know who she is, it's just… She's a bit out of my league, don't you think?"

Lily squinted at him. If she didn't know him better she'd think he was fishing for compliments. But while James's ego had shrunk to proportion, Remus's had remained stunted, leaving him painfully, genuinely clueless. "You're right. You're a dumb, hideous troll, but she doesn't seem to care, so does it really matter?"

Remus opened his mouth to speak, then stopped himself, processing her sarcasm. "She doesn't know what I am," he mumbled.

"Please. Everyone with half a brain has an inkling by now."

"That's—that's not true," he stammered.

"Your nickname is _Moony_."

He hugged his arms to his chest. "I—well then it should be obvious that I'm not—that I can't…" His voice trailed off.

"Can't what?"

"I can't have what most people have," he said, his eyes like sea glass. "I'll never marry. I'll _never_ have children—what if they were like me?"

"We're only seventeen; we don't have to think about that yet." Lily certainly wasn't ready to think about marriage and children, especially with the threat of war looming.

"But _I_ do," he said, an edge to his voice she'd never heard before.

"Remus…"

"It's ready."

"What?"

He silently pointed to the potion. She looked down at the minty green paste and stopped stirring. She looked back up at Remus, who was already taking off his shirt, revealing a gruesome splattering of red. More of his skin was wounded than not.

Her eyes watered at the sight, and she quickly turned around and blinked it away. He needed her help, not her sympathy. After composing herself, she gathered a glob of salve on her palm and looked to him for confirmation. He avoided her gaze but tilted his chin up, granting her full access to the gash on his neck.

* * *

Lily and James's first official date took place in the Three Broomsticks… with the other Marauders not-so-secretly spying from a table across the room.

"Oh Lily, your eyes are greener than the Quidditch pitch," Sirius said, grabbing Remus's hands and looking up at him expectantly.

Remus pressed his lips together. "I'm not doing this."

"Fine, you can be Prongs." Sirius raised his voice a few too many octaves, "Oh James—"

"Please stop."

"You're no fun," Sirius grumbled, sitting back in his chair. "You don't… _like_ Lily… do you?"

"What? No, we're just friends," Remus said, a little too quickly. Maybe in an alternate universe where he wasn't a werewolf or friends with James or as generally awkward as he was in this one, he could maybe see that version of him possibly having a crush on Lily. But in this universe, she was the girl dating his best friend who'd seen him shirtless in the incredibly unromantic context of smearing salve all over his disgusting wounds.

"Okay. Good." Sirius smiled to himself, then quickly added, "Because Prongs would murder you."

"Oh, no, I know."

"And then I'd have one dead friend and the other in prison for murdering him, and I just don't really fancy that."

Remus laughed. "No? I think it sounds rather thrilling. Of course, you're assuming Prongs would get caught."

"Of course he would." Sirius cocked his head at James as he inched his hand towards Lily's. "Bloke doesn't have a subtle bone in his body. I, on the other hand, would never get caught." He maintained intense eye contact as he sipped his butterbeer, a devious glint in his eyes.

"Are you planning my murder, Padfoot?"

Sirius shrugged, then broke into a wide grin, made even more contagious by the foam on his upper lip.

Peter rapped the table excitedly as Lily seized James by the tie and kissed him. Sirius let out a hoot, and James flipped him off, mid-kiss.

Maybe there was a second alternate universe where a bolder Remus had gone along with Sirius's role-play, one where he'd given his friend an excuse to kiss him. But then, it was better this way; it would just be just be a joke to Sirius. 

* * *

The Halloween Feast was always Lily's favorite. It reminded her of how she'd dressed up as a witch as a child, imagining she could do magic, unable to shake the belief that goblins and ghosts and, well, werewolves, really did exist. There was something about the idea of _magic_ that only muggleborns could understand. To those who grew up in the wizarding world, it was as everyday as maths or language or air.

But this year, she could only think about the people who saw magic not as beauty but as power and wealth, something to hoard, to manipulate, to use as a justification for hate. She couldn't take her eyes off the seventh year Slytherins—Severus included—huddled at the end of their table, looking at Mulciber's arm.

"Everything okay?" James asked, resting his hand on the small of her back.

She shook her head. "Mulciber was showing them something on his arm."

"You don't think…"

"Avery was bragging about his the other day in class," Remus said quietly.

"Snivellus will be the next to join," Sirius chimed in.

James gave his friend a warning look. Lily swallowed. He was right, after all.

Remus turned to Sirius, his grave expression making him look much older than seventeen. "Have you talked to Reg—"

"No," he spat. Remus recoiled, knowing he'd hit a sore spot.

"I'm going to fight back. Soon as I get out of Hogwarts," James announced.

Sirius grinned. "Going to take him down all on your own there, Prongs?"

"When Dumbledore lectured me about the responsibility of being Head Boy… he told me something else too. About a secret organization called—" Lily put her hand over his and threw him a cautioning glance. Just because the Slytherins didn't seem to care who knew what they were up to didn't mean they could afford the same candor. "I'll tell you all later," James whispered, intertwining his fingers with Lily's.

The rest of the Marauders exchanged glances, Sirius's curious, Remus's solemn, and Peter's nervous.

* * *

There'd been an unspoken tension between Lily and Remus since the beginning of the year—unless Remus was imagining it, which was more than possible. He couldn't necessarily trust anything he felt immediately leading up to or following the full moon. But their conversations had started to feel more like treading water than floating down a current.

Maybe it was because James was now her main point of contact within the Marauders, or because she was getting sick of his inability to have a normal conversation, or because the rise of Voldemort was creating unspoken tension between everyone, everywhere. Ever since James told them about the Order of the Phoenix, the things he and his friends used to worry about—detention, exams, house points—didn't feel important anymore.

All the same, she was still his favorite person to share a post-full-moon chocolate bar with. As much as he loved his friends, James's energy level never dipped—even after a sleepless night—Peter only wanted to talk about the previous night's adventures—which Remus partially couldn't remember and partially didn't _want_ to remember—and Sirius got a little too... cuddly when he was deliriously tired. 

"… expert on Non-Spirituous Apparitions, Lyall Lupin," Lily read aloud. "Any relation?"

"Er… yeah, he's my mum's sister's brother-in-law…" he said, fighting a smile as he watched Lily's face scrunch.

"But… but your surname is… _oh._ " She looked up. He grinned. "How did I not know that?" she asked, reading on. "He works for the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures?"

"He did…" Remus chewed his already stumpy nails as he watched her eyes fall down the page, widening as she found the details of the Greyback trial… his father's statement… his retraction… his resignation…

He was about to reach over and shut the book, when she turned the page to reveal a picture. His father looked younger than he ever remembered, but the way he shifted from a stoically pensive stare to a warm, playful smile was definitely him.

"You look just like him," Lily gasped.

"I do?" His father was conventionally handsome, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

She held the book up to Remus's face, eyes flicking back and forth between the two. "I suspect you have your mum's coloring? But the face is you in fifteen years."

A normal person would just take the compliment, but Remus couldn't help but think that his face would be significantly more scarred and lined in fifteen years. If he even made it that long. His only hope was the Wolfsbane Potion, and last he'd heard, Damocles Belby was still in St. Mungo's from his latest attempt.

* * *

The first snow came on a Saturday in early December. James had returned from Quidditch practice with icicles clinging to his hair and a glint of mischief in his eyes that Lily hadn't seen in a while—one that made her oddly nostalgic for the days when her biggest concern was getting in trouble or losing house points. He and Sirius dragged her and Remus to the furthest edge of the Hogwarts grounds and proceeded to transform.

She laughed as Padfoot and Prongs raced each other through the snow. "There's something rather surreal about looking at a deer and thinking, that's my boyfriend," she said, mentally tracing Remus's gaze to Padfoot. "James says it's so freeing being a deer. That he's still him but his thoughts are simpler."

"On the other hand, Sirius's thoughts are exactly the same as a dog," Remus grinned.

As if he'd heard, Padfoot jumped on Remus, knocking him down into the snow and licking his face. _His thoughts really are the same_ , Lily thought, battling a giggle that bubbled to the surface.

"He's a bit more endearing as a dog," she said, scratching Padfoot's ears.

Padfoot suddenly pulled away, his ears perking up. Remus scrambled through the snow to retrieve the Map that had fallen out of his pocket. He pointed to McGonagall's name, and they looked around, not seeing anything. Then, realizing, they exchanged a panicked glance.

Just as Padfoot took off, Remus grabbed his wand and shot out a desperate spark. It hit Padfoot midair, and Sirius landed face-down in the snow, spluttering. Remus offered a hand, and Sirius pulled him down into the snow.

Lily shook her head, working up the nerve to shout 'just kiss already!' when she felt the arms of the now human James around her waist. "Hi," he murmured, kissing the top of her head.

"Hi." She hugged his arms closer as they watched the shouting match over Padfoot's near murder of their Transfiguration professor ensue.

* * *

The Gryffindors—namely James and Sirius—had opted for an obnoxiously gold Christmas tree with giant red baubles, real candles, and lion head topper this year. Remus stood by the fireplace, his eyes flicking back and forth between the ridiculous monstrosity and Lily and James's very public display of affection beneath the mistletoe.

"Disgusting, isn't it?" Sirius said. "Someone should really teach Prongs how to snog."

"That someone being you?" Remus asked, immediately wishing he hadn't.

Sirius leaned in, a hint of firewhisky on his breath. "Take notes, Moony."

Remus gulped, then felt his shoulders droop—with relief—as Sirius swaggered over to a group of girls. He tapped a tiny brunette--Mary MacDonald--on the shoulder, and they exchanged maybe two words before their lips met. 

Lily appeared at his side, breathless and giddy. "Since when are Sirius and Mary a thing?"

"Since he decided to prove a point."

"What point was that?"

"That he's better at snogging than Prongs." He turned just in time to see her blush and tuck her hair behind her ear. "So… James said he's going home with you for Christmas?"

She nodded. "I'm a bit nervous about it. My family can be… well… What about you? Any plans for Christmas?"

"Yeah, you know, I was thinking—might be fun to head to the Shrieking Shack, break every bone in my body, and completely forget who I am for a night," he said as casually as possible.

" _Oh._ Oh I'm so—I didn't realize—it's on _Christmas_ this year?" She squeezed his arm. "Is anyone…"

"Sirius is staying." He was a bit nervous about that too. Not the full moon necessarily—naturally, the wolfhound was best at controlling his werewolf self—but he was afraid their human personalities might clash if they spent enough time alone together, especially around the full moon, when he was always on edge...

"Mary is the girl he's been obsessing over?" James asked, tilting his chin towards Sirius, who would be proudly sporting a hickey or three tomorrow. "Thought he said she was tall." 

Remus furrowed his brow; Sirius hadn't told him about a girl. But then, he was always more open with James. "He was trying to prove a point," he shrugged, ignoring the lump in his throat.

"And that was…?"

"I think he's forgotten by now."

"Yeah, that checks out."

James wrapped his arms around Lily and whispered something in her ear. She laughed and reached up, lacing her fingers around the back of his neck.

Mary grabbed Sirius's hand and led him out of the common room. He flashed a crooked grin at Remus, who forced an encouraging smile that faded as soon as his friend turned away.

He shuffled uncomfortably and scanned the room for Peter, only to find him heroically presenting a crying fifth year girl with her lost pet rat.

Remus sighed and shrunk into the corner, slouching to make himself shorter.


	5. Deer in Headlights

It was bitterly, mind-numbingly cold outside, which was exactly what Lily needed. She trudged through the fresh layer of snow on the Hogwarts grounds, the wind stinging her cheeks.

She assumed the tall, bundled figure in the distance was a professor, until she spotted the red and gold scarf. Her muscles seized with panic, then relaxed as she identified Remus's slouched shuffle. What was he doing out here?

He was too busy staring at his feet to notice her. She considered changing course, but her legs carried her straight ahead.

He looked up. "Lily. Hi."

"Hi." She thought to ask how his Christmas was, but it seemed a bit insensitive given it had coincided with the full moon.

"I'd ask how your Christmas was, but James told me what happened," he said, shoving his hands deeper into his pockets. She bowed her head. "He feels terrible about it."

"I know… I just… I don't know." She knew her sister could be difficult, and she despised her boyfriend—now fiancé—Vernon, but somehow James had been the most insensitive person in the room, bragging about his powers and wealth.

She took a deep breath. "Sometimes I wonder if he's really stopped being that cruel, arrogant rich boy or if he's stopped acting like one so I'll date him. If I disappeared, would he just go right back to being a bully?"

Remus timidly reached out and rested a hand on her shoulder. "Maybe I'm biased because of everything he's done for me, but I don't think he has a truly malicious bone in his body. And I can say that he doesn't just become a different person whenever your back is turned."

Lily nodded shakily. She knew everything he was saying was true. She knew James had a good heart. And in some ways, that's what made his behavior all the more frustrating.

"Look, James means everything to me, and I don't want to see him get hurt. But… you don't have to be with him if you don't want to," Remus said gently.

It was such a silly statement, like giving her permission to breathe. But maybe she'd been holding her breath this whole time without even realizing it. "Maybe I don't. Maybe I…"

She looked up at him, eyes blurry with tears. She blinked them away, locking onto his eyes—a shocking mint green in the snow-brightened winter sun. The way his sweet, boyish features were weighed down with a mature depth made her throat burn. Maybe she wanted someone gentle and sensitive, someone who radiated kindness...

And before she fully grasped what she was doing, she was standing on the tips of her toes and pressing her lips against his.

Remus pulled away, gaping at her. Lily's entire face stung, the frigid air piercing her skin.

"I—I'm sorry," she stammered, staggering backwards.

"I—I couldn't do that to—"

"I know." Her lip quivered. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She let out a shuddery breath and tore away through the snow.

 _What was that?_ Remus was one of James's closest friends. One of her closest friends. And he was actively pining over _his_ closest friend. Why was she trying to destroy everything? She didn't want to lose James or Remus—sweet, bashful, witty, adorable Remus... _Oh no._

But then, maybe relationships were like the Sorting Hat. Sure, she would've been a good fit for Ravenclaw—the Sorting Hat had told her as much—but she'd felt a deep tug in her gut towards Gryffindor. She was drawn to the lion, the fire, even if she hadn't quite known why. She'd _chosen_ Gryffindor. And just because she occasionally resented the choice to room with the loudest, most obnoxious people, or lamented that blue and bronze would have been far more suitable for her skin tone, that didn't mean she'd chosen wrong. 

* * *

Remus hadn't been able to look James in the eye since the incident. Even though he knew he'd done nothing wrong, he couldn't stop replaying the tug of resistance he'd felt as he pulled away. And now James and Lily were making up—walking side by side in Hogsmeade as the rest of the Marauders trailed behind, pretending not to watch.

His stomach churned as he wondered if she'd tell him. He knew he should've said something, but he didn't want to risk tainting his friendship with James or James's relationship with Lily over what could only have been a moment of anger. James hurt her, so she impulsively kissed his friend, his less intimidating friend at that; if she'd really wanted to ruin things, she'd have chosen Sirius.

"You okay Moony?" Sirius asked. Remus had been avoiding him too, after being nothing short of compulsively horrible to him for the entirety of Christmas break.

"Yeah, just feeling a little sick, I guess," he mumbled. It wasn't really a lie, with the full moon in two days.

Sirius put his arm around him. "Come on, let's go get a butterbeer."

Remus turned to his friend in surprise. Sirius had turned down Christmas with the Potters just to stay with him, and in return, he'd brushed off all his attempts at fun, rolled his eyes at his jokes, snapped at him, and essentially treated him like, well, a dog. And instead of just apologizing like a normal person, he'd spent the last three weeks finding excuses to not be around him, or James, or Lily, or even Peter. But here Sirius was, ushering him into The Three Broomsticks with his usual, effortless grin like none of that mattered.

* * *

Lily ran back to the common room to get her scarf—the Scottish wind was always particularly unforgiving in March, making its last stand against spring. She almost didn't notice Remus sleeping on the couch, clothed in full Gryffindor attire, his face ashen with post-full-moon pallor.

It was now three full moons since she'd destroyed their friendship. She assumed that he hated her, that he thought she was a terrible person who'd put him in an awful position, but she wasn't sure she could handle knowing that for sure. Even worse, she was petrified of feeling whatever it was she'd felt in that moment ever again. She loved James. She'd chosen James. The world felt safer and lighter and more vibrant when she was with him, and she refused to ruin that.

But as she found herself standing over the sleeping Remus, she knew this had gone on long enough.

"Remus?" He didn't stir. She touched his shoulder.

He gasped awake, looking around, disoriented. She quickly pulled her hand away.

"Were you planning to go to the Quidditch match?" she asked, trying to keep her voice light and floaty.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and nodded, struggling to sit up.

"Maybe you should just go back to bed. It's not looking good for us anyway…" Not only had James not gotten any sleep last night, but he'd returned to the common room with a sprained arm—Prongs could be a bit careless with his limbs.

Remus groaned. "I told him not to come last night."

Lily looked away, secretly glad that James had prioritized his friend over Quidditch. She drummed her fingers at her side, coaxing the words up from the pit in her stomach. "Remus, I—I should've said this months ago, and I just got to this point where I felt like because I hadn't said something it was too late, but I just… I'm—I'm _so_ sorry, I—"

"It's okay," he cut her off. "Really. I know you were just mad at James and—"

"No," she blurted. She didn't know if it was better or worse that what she'd done hadn't been out of anger, that it hadn't really had anything to do with James. But she owed Remus the truth. "I was angry with him, but that's not why—I'd never use you like that."

He squinted, and she could practically see the thoughts trudging through his post-full-moon brain fog. "Then… then why would you…" He shook his head. "I don't understand."

"You really don't, do you?" she realized aloud. He couldn't conceive of a world where she—or anyone, really—was drawn to him, never mind be so momentarily moved by that feeling that they almost wrecked two friendships and one relationship in one go. 

But maybe it was better that way.

She shook her head. "But that doesn't—I just—you're important to me, and I miss being your friend. So. Friends?" She pulled a chocolate bar out of her pocket and held it out as a peace offering.

Remus sighed, his expression too clouded by pain and fatigue to read. "Why do you always have chocolate with you?"

"Why do you _not_ always have chocolate with you?"

He chuckled, accepting the chocolate. "Help me up?"

Lily offered her hand, though she wasn't actually much help given their height difference. After a struggle, he made it to his feet, looking like he might topple over at any moment. He started towards the exit.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed. "Go to bed, Remus! You look like death."

He sighed and lumbered deliriously to bed. And as she watched him, all tall and lean and messy-haired, she knew what she had to do.

She prayed he'd remember this interaction because she wouldn't. She pointed her wand at herself, hand trembling as she forced herself to concentrate on the soft warmth of his lips and whispered, " _obliviate."_

* * *

As N.E.W.T.s rapidly approached, even James and Sirius were beginning to take studying seriously. Well, sort of. What began as a legitimate practice of the Patronus Charm—not a necessary skill but one that certainly didn't hurt—devolved into a Patronus stag and dog prancing across the grounds in an all too familiar way.

"Show offs!" Lily called.

"You're not going to join in?" Remus asked.

"Only if you do."

He shook his head. He'd stick with a non-corporeal Patronus, thank you very much. "Does James still not know what yours is?"

Lily chewed her lip. "He'll think it morphed to suit his."

"Maybe his is to suit yours." No one had really expected James to turn into a stag. Their bets had been fox, eagle, lion, and hippogriff--Sirius's wager, of course.

"That's even worse!" she exclaimed. "We should be our own people."

Remus studied her. "You're not much of a romantic, are you?"

"Depends what you consider romantic, I guess," she shrugged.

He wrung his hands. Her Patronus wasn't the only secret they had from James—though in resuming their friendship, they seemed to have developed an unspoken contract to pretend it never happened. After all, what would be the point in risking everything over something that hadn't meant anything? Over a blip that felt more like a surreal, wintery dream than real life.

A smirk crept up on Lily's face as Sirius's glowing wolfhound circled them.

"What?"

"Ever think maybe his is to suit yours?"

He tugged at his collar, his tie suddenly too tight.

* * *

Lily and James sat by the fire in the Gryffindor common room. James ran his fingers through her hair, sending tingles down her spine. She leaned her head back on his shoulder, pulled his arm around her and kissed his hand. His smile was like sunshine. _Sunny, Earthy, Starry, and Moony,_ she mused with a grin.

"So Sirius and Remus are in love... right?" she asked, intertwining her fingers with his.

James laughed. "They do act like a couple sometimes, don't they?"

"No, but... _really_." She gave him a pointed look; either she was crazy, or he was the second most clueless person on the planet, (the first being Remus).

"No... No, Sirius has been obsessing over some mystery girl all year."

Lily blinked. "A mystery girl."

"Yeah, all I know is she's tall, skinny, and apparently too bookish to notice him, so probably a Raven..." His eyes widened. " _Oh._ I'm an idiot."

"Just a little," she smiled, ruffling his hair.

"That handsome, lying bastard! In love with Moony this whole time. And Moony? Does he...?" Lily nodded, and he cupped her face excitedly, the fire reflecting in his hazel eyes. "Moony and Padfoot, _my_ Moony and Padfoot, _in_ _love_!"

She laughed. James Potter, ever the romantic. 

* * *

Remus didn't know why he bothered studying for his N.E.W.T.s. What would it matter? If anything, he should purposely fail them to make his future inability to find a job less suspicious. But reading about Grindylows was preferable to listening to James and Sirius discuss their future as Aurors together. Sure, it was mostly a cover story for now, but Remus couldn't even muse about that kind of thing.

"You okay?" Lily murmured. He nodded, not looking up from his book. "All this future talk stresses me out too. And with everything that's happening…"

"I don't have a future, Lily," he snapped. "Not outside of Hogwarts."

"What?"

He sighed. He shouldn't have to explain this. "Dumbledore has done everything he can to keep me safe, but he can't protect me forever."

"You'll have us—"

"I'll never hold a long-term job, or be able to stay in one place for too long. People will notice if I disappear during the full moon every month. And when they find out… You know most of my kind hide in the sewers, living off rats?" The words spilled out; they'd been polluting his inner monologue for weeks now.

When he finally looked up at Lily, her eyes were wide and watery. She struggled for the words, "I—I had no—that's horrible. Do they know?" She glanced at James and Sirius, who were still fully consumed by their conversation.

Remus knit his brows. "James still calls it my 'furry little problem.'"

Lily suppressed a smile. "Still. We won't let anything happen to you. You know they both have more money than they know what to do with."

"That's not—I just want to—I just wish…" Tears burned behind his eyes. He knew he was only feeling like this because the full moon was tomorrow, but that just made it worse, knowing his emotions were just one more thing he couldn't control.

He felt the heat from her hand on his but couldn't bring himself to look at it. Or her.

"I don't want to be a burden on everyone," he whispered.

"Hey. Look at me." He raised his head slowly, surprised to find her jaw set, eyes laser-sharp. "I won't tell you to stop feeling sorry for yourself because it _is_ awful and unfair. But you don't get to project that onto the rest of us when all we want to do is love you."

Remus gaped at her, barreling through something like the five stages of grief— _that's not true—how dare she—but what about—it just hurts so much—dammit she's right_. He didn't understand Lily's talent for being so harsh yet so kind in one breath, but, Merlin, he'd missed it.

* * *

"Are you sure about this?" Lily whispered, as the Marauders emerged from the hidden passage, carefully sliding out from behind a bookshelf full of glass vials.

"Slughorn is on the other side of the castle," James assured her, pointing to the Potion Master's name on the map.

"But can you really be—"

"The map doesn't lie," Remus said.

"Relax, Lily, we do this all the time," Sirius added, strolling straight over to Slughorn's ornate desk and retrieving a bottle of firewhisky from the bottom drawer.

Lily turned to James. " _All the time?"_ It was hard to believe that their group of five included Head Boy, Head Girl, and a Prefect—not that Remus had ever done much of anything with his title.

James scratched his head. "He's kidding…"

"To mischief managed!" Sirius toasted, then took a long, confident swig straight from the bottle and passed it to Remus. Remus took a polite sip and passed it to Peter.

The bottle continued around the circle until James passed it to Lily. She sighed and took a sip. It was smoky but smooth with faint notes of cocoa and coffee—much better than anything they had at The Three Broomsticks. Of course, there was no reason why James and Sirius couldn't just buy a bottle for themselves, but she knew that wasn't really the point.

She passed the bottle back to Sirius, who cast a replenishing charm and let the bottle cycle back around. As the initial giddiness faded, a heavy silence fell over the group; this would be the last time they ever did anything like this.

* * *

Remus stood with his friends on the Hogwarts Express Platform. He'd be staying behind for the next few days, then moving to London, where the five of them would officially be initiated as members of the Order of the Phoenix. This knowledge cast a solemn air over the group, which didn't sit well with Sirius.

"Look alive, Moony! We're free!" Without warning, he grabbed Remus's face and kissed him firmly on the lips.

Remus gaped uselessly, his cheeks burning. This was his second kiss—though he'd swear it was his first for years to come—and he was now 0 for 2 in having even the slightest clue how to react.

Sirius ran his fingers through his dark locks and forced a laugh. "You all need to lighten up."

"I think that's the most color I've ever seen in Moony's face," James teased.

Lily caught his eyes, which he could only imagine were frozen in panic, and came to his rescue, "You'd be red too if a giant dog just slobbered all over you."

The group let out a laugh, releasing the tension. James pretended to slobber all over Lily. She giggled and tried to get away as he pulled her into his arms.

He snuck a glance at Sirius, who was staring at his shoes in a very un-Sirius way. He slouched a bit closer to him, 'accidentally' letting his hand brush his. Sirius looked up, his grey eyes melty and puddle-like. Remus offered him a gentle, closed-lip smile, and his friend broke into the widest, toothiest grin. Sirius's teeth were the only part of his face that wasn't obnoxiously perfect, and Remus decided that they were his favorite part.

Because in that moment, he didn't care about the war, or the approaching full moon, or how the outside world would treat him; he just wanted to bask in Sirius Black's star-bright smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the Marauders Era fluff! Things will start to get a bit spicier (in both very good and very bad ways) as war rages and the AU I promised is set in motion. Fair warning, I can't say my AU will be any less cruel than JKR's, but at least I'm not a hateful terf who didn't realize her own characters were definitely queer...
> 
> ... Anyways, thanks so much to everyone who's engaged with this work so far! I very much appreciate all kudos and comments!


	6. Moon in Starlight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday Remus Lupin! He'll forever be my favorite (or at least, the version of him in my head will because JKR's version makes absolutely no sense)

**SEPTEMBER, 1985**

Remus gripped his gin and tonic, knuckles white. His sporadic boggart, pixie, and gnome extermination work had dried up with the wave of crisp autumn air, and he couldn't risk sticking around here for another full moon.

As far as he could tell, he had two options: disturb his father's peaceful life as the walking reminder of his deepest shame, or renounce the wizarding world altogether and find work as a muggle. He'd still need to justify his need for time off, but at least no one would question its correlation with the full moon.

"Remus John Lupin. Do you have any idea how impossible you were to find?"

"Not impossible enough apparently," he grumbled, instinctively. Then he gulped, his throat burning from the gin. He knew that voice.

He turned slowly—choppily in his bar stool—to find her standing behind him, arms crossed. She'd dyed her hair a deep burgundy and cut it to blunt edge at her jawline, adding to the overall effect of a cold, steely air that starkly contrasted with his memory of her. But those striking green eyes unmistakably belonged to Lily Evans.

* * *

**SEVEN YEARS EARLIER**

"Still can't believe Voldy tried to recruit _you,_ Prongs," Sirius slurred, spraying a few drops of firewhisky on the carpet as he pointed the open bottle at James.

James reached for the bottle. "And you're officially cut off. We have a mission tomorrow."

"Mission schmission!" he exclaimed, clumsily fighting James for the bottle.

Lily sat cross-legged on the floor, a garish Gryffindor blanket hugged around her, watching with a slightly tipsy, dissociated fascination. Remus leaned down from his seat on the couch and whispered, "Regulus didn't turn up at Hogwarts. Sirius thinks he took up the mark this summer."

'Oh,' Lily mouthed, looking back at the inebriated Sirius. And she thought her relationship with Petunia was challenging; she couldn't imagine how it must've felt to watch your little brother become a Death Eater.

"Let's go to bed, eh?" James suggested, still struggling with Sirius. What their friend lacked in both height and sobriety, he made up for in obstinacy.

"I don't fancy you that way, Prongs!" he protested.

James sighed and turned to Remus, pleading. They exchanged a series of tortured glances before Remus finally stood and put his arm around Sirius. "Come along, Padfoot."

"Are you taking me to bed, Moony?" Sirius purred, clumsily stroking Remus's face.

Lily stifled a laugh as Remus rolled his eyes and led Sirius out of the parlor. James gagged at his friend's sloppy flirting, but the corners of his mouth twitched upward as he caught Lily's eye.

"Those two are more exhausting than the bloody war," he yawned. "Guess I should probably head to bed too."

She nodded sleepily and pulled the blanket tighter around her shoulders. "I'll be there in a minute."

Lily lazily waved her wand around, making a half-hearted attempt at straightening up the room. The flat was far nicer than a group of eighteen-year-olds—three of whom were quite literally, animals—had any right to, and it existed in a constant state of disarray. Even the decor featured a chaotic blending of their aesthetics: James's scarlet shag carpet, Sirius's black velvet sofa and armchair, Peter's collection of magic clocks, Lily's oversized houseplants, and Remus's... well, there wasn't much of his actually.

By the time Remus returned, he looked ten years older. "Hate when he gets like that," he grumbled.

"Flirty?" Lily smirked.

He pointedly clenched his jaw. "Belligerent."

"Have you still not—"

"No." He crossed his arms. "And we're not going to."

"Because of your aversion to happiness?"

"I don't have an aversion to happiness! I just…" His voice trailed off. Lily pulled the blanket off her right shoulder and held it open. He stared at it for a moment, then sighed and sat next to her, awkwardly hugging his long legs to his chest.

She fiddled with a hole in the sleeve of his jumper. "He knows exactly who and what you are, couldn't care less about marriage, and I'm reasonably certain you won't get him pregnant—so what's your excuse this time?"

"Peter will feel left out?" he tried. She gave him a look. He looked down, mumbling into his knees. "He likes flirting with me, sure. But he doesn't love me. Not like… not like I…"

Lily's emphatically exasperated expression went to waste as his gaze remained fixed to the floor. At least he wasn't still insisting that they were both straight. "What on earth makes you think that?"

"Because he _can't,_ " he whined. "Because he's fun and clever and brave and gorgeous, and I'm…"

"A boring, dumb, ugly coward," she deadpanned, not missing a beat. "Not to mention an insufferable a narcissist," she added, elbowing him.

He choked out something halfway between a laugh and a sob, and she took his arm in hers. "You could've just said you don't want the dog to sleep in your bed because he smells and drools and sheds everywhere." Seriously, she'd been finding both black fur and hair _everywhere_ since he moved in.

Remus laughed silently, a few tears slipping out as his eyes crinkled. She dabbed at his cheek with the blanket, shaking her head at his idiocy.

* * *

The morning after the Hunter's Moon, Remus shoved an assortment of potions into a bag, hands shaking, blinking away the black spots that appeared before his eyes. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a nagging voice told him exactly how stupid he was being, and if anything, that only made him more determined.

"Whoa, Moony, mate, what are you doing?" Sirius demanded.

"Getting ready for the mission," he said without turning. His voice felt disconnected from his body.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Peter asked.

"No, no it's not!" Sirius cried.

Remus clenched his hand around one of the vials, the glass cool against his skin. "You were all up all night too."

"That's not the same, and you know it!"

"Leave it, Sirius. He's clearly committed to getting himself killed," James cut in.

A sharp chime pierced through the dull roar of their voices—Lily. "I just remembered—there's a fresh batch of Polyjuice Potion that needs bottling. Can you all go do that for me?"

This was met by silence, followed by huffed sighs and the clomping of footsteps.

"Subtle," he remarked.

A flash of red hair entered his peripherals. "So. Is this an ego thing, or is James right about you trying to fulfill your longstanding death wish?"

He exhaled sharply, a blunt ache radiating from his forehead to his jaw. "I can't be rendered useless every time there's a full moon."

"So just the ego thing, then. That's a relief."

He zipped the bag and threw it over his shoulder, a crackling pain erupting through his spine. "I can't just lie around while there's a war going on."

"We'll send an owl in a few days, and you can join us then. Or you can go to Headquarters and wait for Moody to report back."

"Or I can do what I should've done in the first place and go underground to spy."

He tried to shove past her, but she grabbed his arm and forced him to look at her. A bolt of electricity sparked behind her eyes. " _Or_ you can go be with your mother while you still can."

His knees buckled. He opened his mouth, expecting to release some kind of wolfish howl, but all that came out was a feeble whimper.

Lily softened. "What we're doing here is important, but it's not everything."

He tried to swallow, but his mouth felt like sandpaper. "I… I can't… I don't know how to… to watch her… _die_." His voice broke.

His mum had always been sick, or at least, ever since he was little… But it'd been so commonplace that he never really thought it'd progress beyond that. He thought if he just stayed away, his parents would stay suspended in a safe little bubble. He told himself that one day things would be different, one day he'd be cured, or at least his condition would be more manageable, and he'd make up for lost time then. But now...

"Then… then go watch her live?" Lily offered.

Remus stared at her, eyes going blurry.

"Moony, I'm sorry…" James's voice came from somewhere off to the side.

He didn't see whatever exchange happened between his friends, but suddenly James had his arm around him, Peter was rubbing his back, and he was crumpling into Sirius's shoulder.

"I-I have to go home," he sniffled.

Sirius stroked his hair. "Anything you need, Moony. _Anything._ I'm here. We're all here."

* * *

Nearly a month had gone by with no word from Remus. After Lily got back from their latest mission, she'd had the idea to comb through the muggle obituaries, praying she didn't find anything. But there it was: Hope Howell Lupin, beloved wife and mother, 1936-1978.

They'd had to restrain Sirius from storming the Welsh countryside looking for him—Remus, being Remus, kept his exact address a secret—as he'd already sent a dozen unanswered owls.

Then, the night before the full moon, Lily and James found him returned to the flat, sitting on the couch, staring at the wall. He looked so empty, deflated, like he'd collapse into a pile of wool and corduroy if she touched him.

James crept closer, keeping his voice just about a whisper, "Moony, hey, we didn't know when you'd be—"

"Had to make it back for the full moon," Remus said in monotone, barely acknowledging them.

Lily and James exchanged a glance. "Can we get you anything?" she asked gently. "Tea? Chocolate? ... A giant black therapy dog?"

Something distantly related to a smile flickered across his face.

James flashed Lily his _I have an idea_ grin. "Padfoot! Here boy!" he called.

Sirius plodded in, drowning in one of Remus's baggy, threadbare jumpers and scratching at the scruff on his chin. "Prongs, you know I hate when you—Moony!" He ran his fingers through his tangled hair and started towards the unresponsive Remus.

James stopped him. "Transform."

"What?"

Lily smiled, catching on. "He needs Padfoot right now."

Sirius started to object, then looked down, considering the state of himself. He cast a glance at his grieving friend, let out a small whine, and morphed into Padfoot.

The large black dog—weighing almost as much as Sirius himself—jumped up on the couch and nuzzled close to Remus, sneaking a few licks at his face. Remus let out a shuddery laugh and ran his fingers through Padfoot's wiry coat.

"He's so much more likeable as a dog," Lily whispered to James.

"I keep telling him he should make the change permanent," he murmured, slipping his arm around her waist.

Padfoot rolled over on his back, giant paws flailing in the air, head in Remus's lap. Lacking both the emotional strength to feign annoyance and physical strength to push him off, Remus sighed and hugged Padfoot closer, burying his face in his fur.

* * *

Remus wasn't exactly in the Christmas spirit this year, but between Lily's muggle traditions, James and Peter's wizarding traditions, and Sirius's obsession with starting new traditions, the flat was overtaken by a chaotic hodgepodge of decorations, food, and music.

James had just gifted Lily a set of original Potions books written by his ancestors when Sirius stood up and announced, "My turn!" He handed Remus a shabbily wrapped present, his grin suspiciously wide. "I, too, thought I'd share a family heirloom."

"Oh no." He accepted the crumpled lump tentatively, afraid to open it. It was typical for the Marauders to exchange gag gifts; Sirius had more dog toys than most actual dogs at this point, and Remus was now predictably adding "Werewolves of London" to his collection of moon and wolf-related muggle records.

"Go on, open it," Sirius beamed. He stood before him, hair pulled back in a bun, shamelessly donning one of Remus's jumpers. Stealing Remus's clothes seemed to be his new favorite hobby, made particularly annoying by the fact that they looked better on him; what was frumpy and ill-fitting on Remus became effortlessly edgy on Sirius.

Remus sighed and cautiously unwrapped his gift, revealing a grey, porous rock. Well, at least it wasn't wolf-themed and showed no signs of spontaneous combustion. "It's… a rock."

"It's a _moon_ rock!" Sirius exclaimed, eliciting a series of groans.

"Of course it is." Remus pressed his lips together, reminding himself that it could've been so much worse.

"No, really, it is," Sirius insisted. "Now, I know it doesn't look like much on its own, but when you cast some starlight on it…"

Sirius sat next to him and retrieved a tiny black drawstring bag from his pocket. Inside was glowing vial that radiated an impossibly bright, bluish-white light. As the light passed over it, the rock in Remus's hands transformed into pearly white orb. A full moon. Something Remus hadn't technically seen since he was four—except in boggart form. His heart lurched, then slowed, as he moved the orb around in his still human hands.

"W-where did you get this?" he stammered.

"Been in the Black family for ages," Sirius shrugged. "If you haven't noticed, we have a bit of an obsession with the night sky."

"You snuck this out of Grimmauld Place?" Leave it to the Blacks to have a moon rock and a vial of starlight casually lying around their house.

"Don't be silly, Moony—I stole it from our Gringotts vault."

He finally looked up into his friend's smug face. "You _what?"_

"It wasn't hard. I just impersonated Reg."

He gaped at Sirius, who 'just' impersonated his Death Eater brother to break into his estranged family's Gringotts Vault to literally give him, Remus Lupin, the moon. The lengths Sirius Black would go to for a gag…

But as he looked around the room, his friends weren't laughing. Peter had his hand over his mouth, and Lily and James were exchanging excited whispers.

"Well do you like it?" Sirius pressed, making his eyes round and purposely puppy-like.

Remus shook his head and put his hand on Sirius's clean-shaven cheek, running his fingers along his sharp jawline. "You're ridiculous," he whispered before pulling him in for a quick, gentle kiss. He heard Lily—or possibly Peter—squeal as their lips met.

Sirius clutched the back of Remus's neck and pressed their foreheads together, traces of rum and gingerbread on his breath. "Happy Christmas, Moony," he murmured, a low rasp in his voice.


	7. Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I've updated the rating to Mature out of caution. I promise there won't be anything explicit/graphic, and I'll post content warnings if appropriate before each chapter. Nothing to report for for this one, just a bit of a downer.

Lily and James returned from the mission, numb and shaken, the events of the night before sinking in as their feet hit the familiar shag carpet. She began to tremble from a mix of frozen extremities and fried nerves. James pulled her close, his ragged breath warm on her neck.

"What happened?" someone hissed. They turned, startled. Sirius was on the sofa, face abnormally creased with worry. He resisted the urge to stand, not wanting to disturb Remus, who'd fallen asleep on his lap.

"It… it was him," James managed. "We got away, but then…" He glanced at Remus, verifying that he was out cold, and lowered his voice, "There was a werewolf waiting for us…"

Sirius's eyes widened. There were rumors that Voldemort was recruiting werewolves, but there were so many rumors, it was hard to know what to believe. "What did you do?"

"I… I transformed and fought him off…"

"Did anyone see?"

James shook his head. But Lily had seen. Despite living with one, she'd never actually seen a transformed werewolf before. This one had been huge with matted grey fur, its shortened snout contorted in a permanent snarl, a distinctly humanlike hatred in its icy blue eyes. She studied the sleeping Remus, struggling to imagine his kind face transforming into something so cruel. James had told her to run as he turned into Prongs, and it took all her strength not to look back as she heard a fierce howl followed by the clash of antlers against claws.

"If James hadn't… we…" She couldn't finish the thought. James squeezed her hand.

"There's something else," James said, eyeing Remus again. "I think it was Greyback."

Sirius's nostrils flared, and his fingers curled into a fist around loose wool of Remus's jumper. "Are you sure?"

James bowed his head. "Don't tell him."

"Prongs…"

"He's right," Lily sighed, fighting back a wave of nausea. "If he knows Voldemort has officially enlisted werewolves, he'll insist on going underground. Or worse, if he knows it's Greyback."

Sirius looked down at Remus with a pained expression. He brushed the hair from his face and hugged him closer, then nodded at James.

* * *

"You think I don't know Fenrir Bloody Greyback when I see him?" Remus shouted as the world whooshed around him and Sirius. They gripped each other's shoulders a little too tightly as they landed in the flat.

"Even if you're right—"

"I am."

"—what exactly were you—"

"Sirius." James stood in the landing, clutching a letter, flanked by Lily and Peter.

"What?" Sirius snapped, his bloodshot eyes still fixed on Remus. He looked a bit unhinged with his hair falling in his face, his lip swollen, and a nasty bruise blooming along his jaw. It made Remus want to envelop him in his arms, but he fell back instead, fixing his attention on James.

"An owl came. From your-from Walburga." James adjusted his glasses and held out the letter like it was an exploding snap card. Something was wrong.

 _"Walburga?_ What does she want? _"_ Sirius spat, oblivious to the wall of grave expressions before him.

James's arm hung in the air until Sirius finally snatched the letter from his hand, muttering to himself as his eyes scanned down the lines, then stopped, clinging to something.

"What is it?" Remus asked. But Sirius was frozen, fingers trembling. He looked to James, who mouthed, 'Regulus.' His stomach dropped. _No._

Sirius crumpled up the letter and tossed it aside. "Death Eater scum is missing. Probably went and got himself killed," he scoffed, then looked up, noting everyone's concerned expressions. "Why are you all looking at me like that? He was already dead to me."

By the time Remus thought to reach for him, he was already storming out of the room with James and Peter following. So instead, he knelt down and retrieved the crumpled letter from the floor. Lily crouched down in front of him, wiping away a trail of dried blood on his temple.

"Reg is just a kid," he thought out loud. "He didn't know what he was—he was probably trying to back out."

"Maybe he did. Maybe he's just on the run..." Lily murmured, assessing his wounds. "Poor Sirius."

He nodded; Sirius pretended to hate his little brother, but Remus knew he loved him fiercely and had always deeply regretted leaving him behind with their sadistic parents. He knew he should be there for him, the way he'd been there after he lost his mum. But a big, awkward werewolf wasn't exactly as comforting as a cuddly, black dog.

And as humans, well, he didn't really know where they stood. Sirius wasn't the type to talk about that kind of thing; he spoke mostly through actions—casually slipping his arm around Remus's waist, nuzzling against his shoulder, resting a hand on his thigh. But he seemed to be waiting for Remus to make another move, or at least, reciprocate the affection, or just something, _anything_ to prove that kissing him on Christmas hadn't been a fluke.

And he wanted to, so much. But every time he thought about it, he'd forget how to move. He'd think about leaning in or moving his hand, and he could see the movement happening in his head, but his body wouldn't respond.

Besides, they were busy. The last few months had been packed with Order missions. And he'd been grieving his mum, and unable to shake the thought that he should be underground, spying...

"So… er… what were you two fighting about?" Lily asked.

"Oh." He shook his head. "I… I was stupid. I recognized one of the Death Eaters. We were far away, but it was Greyback, I'm sure of it." Lily didn't look surprised. Neither had Sirius. He chewed the inside of his lip. He knew they'd been hiding something from him, and he wasn't sure what was worse—that they thought he couldn't handle the information, or that he'd just proven them right. "And I just… I went a bit…" Homicidal? Suicidal was probably more accurate.

Lily took his arms and tried to guide him to his feet. "Come on. Let's get you cleaned up."

* * *

"They'll be back," Lily said uselessly as Remus paced, wringing his hands. She'd never seen him this visibly on edge before. She eyed the clock. They had ten minutes, at most. Maybe less.

"They were due back hours ago."

"I can make the salve tomorrow if—"

"I don't—that's not what I care about!" He snapped, dragging his hands through his hair. "I don't like them being out there during the full moon. If he has werewolves on his side—"

"Then there's no one better equipped," Lily cut in, reminding herself as much as him.

Remus rested a shaking hand on the wall, trying to slow his breathing. "I can't—I can't lose them."

"I know." She grabbed his arms and forced him to look at her, shoving all of her own panic deep down into her stomach. His pupils were dilated, the amber ring around them swallowing the green. "I _know,_ " she whispered fiercely.

Lily inhaled deeply, slowly, holding eye contact as he mimicked her. But he exhaled too soon and cursed in what might have been Welsh. "I have to go." He pulled out his wand, struggling to hold it steady.

She grabbed his wrist. "Remus, you'll splinch yourself."

Before he could argue, James and Peter burst in, holding an unconscious, bloodied Sirius. They dragged him to the sofa and threw him down. Remus let out a choked cry and rushed to Sirius's side.

"Are you hurt?" Lily asked as she quickly embraced James. He was splattered with blood, but it was hard to tell if any of it was his. He shook his head, and she had no choice but to believe him. "I've got this. Get Remus out of here. Now."

He nodded dutifully and grabbed Remus, whose waxy skin was beginning to look like it was stretched too tightly over his bones. "Hold on, Moony," James said, then apparated them away.

There was no time to worry—Lily started shouting out herbs for Peter to grab from her stores as she ran her wand over Sirius, assessing his wounds. He was deathly pale and bleeding fiercely from a series of lacerations. Her throat tightened. She knew this spell. _Sectumsempra._ Severus's invention, his signature. She shook it off and gripped her wand, choosing to focus on the fact that she also knew how to reverse it. _"Vulnera Sanetur,"_ she sung. " _Vulnera Santeur… Vulnera Santeur…"_

* * *

Remus sat by Sirius's bedside, fists pressed into his pounding forehead. Sirius was so pale, so still, so un-Sirius-like. His body begged for sleep, but he couldn't give in, not until he knew his… friend was okay.

He still didn't know what they were. He told himself he'd been trying to give Sirius space to grieve. Ever since Regulus's disappearance—not that he'd ever admit that was the reason—Sirius had been spending most nights in Remus's room… as Padfoot. Remus would fall asleep with Padfoot curled up in a ball at his feet and wake up with him licking his face—which was adorable in its own way but not exactly romantic.

But a part of him knew that was just an excuse, that it was easier to accept affection from Padfoot than his human counterpart.

"Bloody hell," Sirius rasped. "The way you're all staring at me, I must look even worse than Moony here."

Remus jolted up as the room breathed a collective sigh of relief. Sirius was struggling to sit up, the anguish in his face oddly comforting in contrast with the corpselike peacefulness.

"Gave us quite a scare there, Padfoot," James said as Lily attempted to check his vitals.

"Would you please stay still?" she pleaded.

He huffed a sigh and let his eyes roll over to Remus, who offered him a weak smile. Now that the panic had subsided, his body was crumpling in on itself like a collapsing souffle.

"Come ease my pain," he whispered, patting the bed.

"You should rest," Remus said, looking to Lily for help. Instead, she smirked and ushered James and Peter out of the room. Traitor.

"So should you." Sirius grinned. "How convenient…"

And then it happened again. He pictured himself climbing into bed with Sirius, wrapping his arms around him, burying his face in his hair, telling him how scared he'd been to lose him, and falling asleep to the rhythm of his breath… But instead, his big, dumb, awkward body leaned down, pecked Sirius on the forehead and stumbled off to his own bed.

* * *

"Do you like it here?" James asked, leading Lily down one of the tiny cobblestone streets of Godric's Hollow. The row of quaint cottages was lined with hydrangea bushes, at the height of bloom.

"I really do," she smiled. Mostly she liked having James as her overly enthusiastic tour guide, watching his face light up at all the little shops and pubs. He'd been so serious lately; they all had. "It's nice to get away from… everything."

"My parents used to take me all the time when I was little, family history and everything. Always thought about settling down here myself."

"Really?" She'd never imagined James somewhere so tranquil, but seeing him here in the summer sun—he was practically glowing.

"In fact, I've… I've been thinking a lot about settling down here with you."

Lily swallowed. _No._ He wasn't… He _wouldn't…_ "After the war, you mean," she said, tucking her hair behind her ear.

James adjusted his glasses. "Well that's the thing… who knows when this war will end? Or if we'll even survive it…"

"James…" She shot him a pleading glance, but he was looking at his hand in his pocket… _Fuck._

"And I don't want to put my life on hold. Our life. Together."

"We already are together," she said innocently.

"Right… But I… What I'm trying to say is…"

James moved to kneel. She lunged forward and grabbed his shoulders. "James. Don't, please."

He looked up, doe-eyed. "W-what?"

She squeezed his arms desperately, praying he'd feel the love in her touch and not just a crushing sensation. "I love you. So much. But we're only nineteen."

"So?"

She bit her lip. "I'm not ready." She should've seen this coming. She knew James was a romantic, that those round glasses of his seemed to be rose-tinted, that he acted on every impulse—especially the ones that came from the heart. But she'd never imagined he'd want to get married so soon. They were just children. Children in the middle of a war.

At the very least, she thought he'd understand. But he just stared at her, on the verge of tears.

"James, love, I'm so sorry." She reached for him, but he fell back. They just gaped at each other with the ironically shared realization that neither of them had understood the other as well as they thought.

* * *

"YOU BROKE HIS HEART!" Sirius's voice erupted through the flat.

James groaned and pressed his hand to his temple. He moved to get up, but Remus held up a hand. "I'll handle this. Stay here with Wormy."

Remus rushed downstairs to the parlor, where he found Sirius cornering Lily, wand aimed at her chest. He only had a few inches on her, but the way she was curled in on herself made her look so much smaller. "Sirius, please—"

"How could you?" he cried at Lily. He looked a bit like his cousin Bellatrix with his hair in his face, entire body tensed, eyes desperate. "After everything you've been through together, to just—"

Remus stepped in front of him, walking him backwards. "Leave her alone, Pads. This is between her and Prongs."

Sirius struggled to get around him, pointing his wand over Remus's shoulder. "No! No one rips out my best friend's heart out and gets away with it!"

Remus sighed and folded his arms. "And what exactly are you planning to do to her, mate?" Sirius hesitated, hand shaking for a moment before he dropped his wand. They both knew he'd never really hurt Lily. "Come on." He dragged him into his room and shut the door behind them.

"Why are you defending her?" Sirius demanded.

"She's our friend too."

"Friend. Right," he scoffed.

Remus scrunched his brow. "What does that mean?"

"I see the way you look at her."

He gaped at him. " _That's_ what this is? You're _jealous_ of her?"

"Why did she turn him down? Why, if not…" His eyes fell to the floor.

"If not, _what_?"

"You know what," Sirius muttered, letting a curtain of dark locks shield his face. 

"No, Sirius, I really, _really_ don't." He could maybe understand Sirius thinking that he had feelings for Lily, mad as that was, but to imply that Lily would ever turn down James for _him?_ Was he actually mental?

"So there's nothing between you two. I know she—"

" _No,_ " he spoke over him. He thought of lunging forward, of sweeping Sirius's hair out of his face, of cradling his jaw in his hands…

Sirius looked up, his incensed gaze replaced with sad puppy eyes, and something shattered inside of Remus. "Then why… Why do I feel like I can't ever… like you're always keeping me at an arm's length?"

"I… I don't… I haven't…" he stammered, a catch in the back of his throat.

Sirius pinned him against the door and kissed him fiercely, hungrily. Remus gasped, riding out the wave of passion, burning and melting and reforming and collapsing. His arms flailed awkwardly at his sides until he remembered what hands were for and grasped at Sirius's hair, using the leverage to kiss back with the same intensity. He shivered as Sirius ran his hands down his body, lingering at his hips, gathering the hem of his shirt…

"Pads," Remus breathed, remembering his scars. Sure, Sirius had seen them before, but never this close, and never in this context.

Sirius kissed his neck and whispered in his ear, "Yes, Moony?"

"I—I can't—" He tore away, his back to Sirius, breathing heavily. This time, that nagging tug in the back of his mind came forward, and he saw it all play out. Sirius realizing he just liked the chase, the flirting. Sirius getting bored with him. Sirius deciding he was too plain, too broken, too pathetic.

"Moony. Hey. Talk to me." Sirius's fingertips grazed his back, but he shrunk away from his touch.

After a moment, he heard Sirius sigh. He squeezed his eyes shut and inhaled sharply through his nose, then winced as the door slammed.

Remus found Lily sitting on the parlor floor, her face red and splotchy from crying, her voice thin and wavering. "You didn't have to do that. I'm sorry if I…"

"It's not you he's cross with," he said, bowing his head

"I just said I wanted to wait until after the war. That I thought we were too young. I… I thought he'd understand." She started to cry again, and he crouched down in front of her. She looked up, her swollen eyes a shocking sea green. "Do you hate me?"

"Of course not." He should've known she'd think it was too soon. He should've cautioned James. He'd just been so excited—they all had—he hadn't wanted to spoil it.

Lily hugged her knees to her chest. "I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him, but… I'm not ready."

He moved to hug her, then stopped, remembering Sirius's accusation. Obviously he was no threat to James, but he didn't want anyone to think he was trying to take advantage of the situation. Instead, he sighed and said, "Just give him time. He loves you. He'll see you're worth waiting for." At least that was true for one of them.


End file.
